48-Some Days Ya Gotta Dance

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47-Quiet Your Mind

So I suppose it's time to account for the lack of updates on my part lately. The honest truth is I've been struggling, in every sense of the word. I'm not complaining, quite the opposite, but I think it's due time that I admit to myself and everyone else that it's not the best of times for me. I've had a lot thrown at me recently, and my life has been thrown in all different directions. Every day I feel like I have a new mountain to climb, and the whole time, I'm wearing flip flops, struggling to get up the first hill.
I'm lucky to have the people in my life that I have. I've got the best friends and family I ever could have asked for. But sometimes it's hard to see through the muck to the brighter side.
Assume what you will, because I know people are going to, but my problems don't revolve around just one thing. I was telling a friend yesterday that 2010 has had my highest highs and my lowest lows. I can't call it a bad year, nor would I want to. If anything, it's taught me some of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned.
I'm beginning again in so many ways in my life, and it's scary, but it's also really, really exhilarating. I know that once this storm (or series of storms, rather) breaks, I'll be able to see the sun and it will be brighter than it's ever been for me. It just takes time, and for the moment, I'll just have to wait.

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43-Different Kind of Fine

Things don't always work out the way you want. That's just life, and it's a hard realization for a lot of people. Everyone struggles, day in and day out, with their own demons. Some people shout their troubles from the rooftops and others keep it all bottled up. I can't personally say which is right, because everyone is different.
I just know that when things seem like they couldn't get any worse, and when you feel like you'll never be able to find the strength to pick yourself up off of the ground, something...even the smallest moment, breaks through and proves otherwise. Even the tiniest detail can turn your whole day, your whole outlook around, and it's in those little moments that everything gets turned around. Let the little things into your head and your heart. Don't shut them out, don't turn them away. Embrace them, and listen to them because it's in those moments that (if you're really listening), you'll realize that everything is going to be okay.

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32-It Takes a Toll to Show You Care, It Takes a Whole to Make a Mountain

Sometimes the most obvious path in life is the hardest one to take. We make excuses, whether it be for ourselves or other people, and end up holding on to things that simply need to be let go. I'm going to borrow a quote from Mark Twain to make my point a bit easier:

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

I have been holding on to a very toxic relationship for a very long time. Far longer than I would like to admit. I'm sure the gossip-mongers are going to assume they know who this is about, and that's fine, but please do not assume you know everything about me. But I digress. I finally took one of the biggest steps forwarding in getting this negative force out of my life, and as simple as it sounds, it took upwards of ten years for me to do: I finally spoke my mind. I was absolutely honest about everything that I felt and all the thoughts that had been floating around in my head. Getting everything off of my chest and out in the open makes me feel like a new woman. And in retrospect, I can't believe it was that simple. I wasn't expecting any great revelation from opening up and pouring everything out. I knew I would most likely get no response (which is the case, go figure), but that wasn't the point. The point was the get that negativity out of me. To clear it out of my soul and my life and quilt holding on to it and dwelling on it. Like I said, it's something that took me years to be able to finally do, but I'm glad that I did. I can't wait to see where I go from here.

28-Without a Doubt, You're Ahead of Your Time

So this blog is about to become what it was originally intended for: a mish-mash of all the things that come to my head, all the things that make up my life, whether or not you find them interesting, they're just me. I've been doing a lot of abstract and removed entries, and I'm going to try and do a proper update while I have the mind to do it.

Everything is so incredibly different in my life now. I'm a raft guide on a beautiful river, I am doing anything and everything that I want to, exactly how I want to do it, and if it doesn't work out, I only have myself to blame. It's the first time in a long time...in fact, ever, that I've been able to say that, and I love this feeling.

It's damn near impossible to sum up the last 5 months of my life in a single entry, so I'll just let it flow out as it comes, if it comes, and that'll be that.

I've met some of the most amazing and influential people in the last few months, and I've learned so much about myself and the world. I don't think I've ever been more myself in my life...it's amazing.

Taking photographs is something I've always done for myself. I went through some rough times, personally, and the camera kind of got pushed into the background, but I've been taking it with me everywhere lately, and I've been getting some great results out of it. I saved a ton of my pictures to a disc so that I can print them out and make the coffee table book I've been wanting to make for ages. I swear I'm going to make it happen...eventually.

I plan on going West with some friends this Winter and I'm very excited about it. Plans haven't been finalized, so I'm going to keep mum for now, but I promise to update with the details as they come.

21-I am my Own Ragged Company

13/365- Tilt, originally uploaded by monica jennison.

It's been a tough week.

11-Before You Judge Me, Try Hard to Love Me

5/365-Cover, originally uploaded by monica jennison.

Today was a rough day. I had a lot going on, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. I've gotten about 10 or so hours of sleep collectively in the past week. The past month and a half, maybe 2 days, total? It's awful and it's very much starting to infiltrate other aspects of my life. I've been losing weight (which, while it may be a goal, this is NOT a healthy way to go about doing so), losing my appetite, I look sallow, I have deep pockets beneath my eyes, everything. More than anything, I'm just worried for myself. How can I expect others to care about me if I can't muster up enough energy to do the same?
I sought some much needed answers and assistance today, medically, and hopefully it was all work out. It was a big step for me, but luckily I had an amazing friend push me in the right direction and support me the whole way through.
Not every day is going to be perfect. I wouldn't want it to be, but I know, regardless of what's going on with...anything, that there's always something to look forward to. No matter how much it rains, the sun will still come up again tomorrow. I'm just looking forward to sipping my tea and watching that beautiful sunrise with a happy heart.

10- You Were One of the Brightest Stars

4/365- Stars, originally uploaded by monica jennison.

Sometimes you feel like you're on the brink of something big. A moment that will change your life forever. Maybe it's the new year, maybe it's a new purse, maybe it's a birth, a death, who knows, it's different for everyone, yet there are always those moments where everyone feels like they're about to drop off of a cliff and spread their wings and soar to new heights.

I feel that way lately. Things are changing, in a major way, yet they're subtle enough for me to accept without feeling overwhelmed. I quit my job, and I'm making so many plans, and more than anything, I'm following my heart and listening to my soul. I'm making myself happy, and for the first time in a long time I can say that I truly, honestly, and completely mean that. I absolutely feel like I'm holding the universe in the palm of my hands.

9-We Sleep All Day

3/365-Sleeping, originally uploaded by monica jennison.

I've always had intense bonds with all of my animals. I've just never gotten the concept of having "just pets". My pets are always my best friends, my rocks, my sanity. No matter what is going on, I can always cuddle with my cat or dog, talk to them, spoil them, vent to them, etc. They just always understand. Each of my pets has always been uniquely special to me.
The first pet I ever had, Hazel, was born a year before I was. She died when I was 14. She was an amazing soul and lived 8 years beyond her life expectancy. She was a fighter. All of my animals have been.
Throughout all of my years, I've only ever lost two pets, and they were both to old age, and despite the sadness of loss, this makes me very happy to know. I haven't had a pet ripped form my arms by tragedy. They lived out their lives to the very end, and went peacefully.
The little guy in this photo is Ringo, and like all my other pets, he's unique and special in his own little way. I think he's more human in his qualities than all of my other animals have been. Ringo is emotional, just like I am (I have no problem admitting it!). When his brother passed away (even though he wasn't living with him anymore), he moped around the whole day and would look at me with this incredible sadness in his eyes. When I'm crying and upset, he cuddles up with me, will lick my tears away, or meow as if to say he understands.
That kind of thing, with all of my animals, has always amazed me. But like I said, I've always had some kind of special connection to my pets. I encourage all of you to form special bonds with the living things around you, whether it be a pet, a plant, a tree, anything. The universe is full of energy and life, and there's nothing wrong with embracing that.

4-I'll Always be Unsatisfied

Stadium, originally uploaded by monica jennison.

Sometimes it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When you go through a struggle or a rough patch, sometimes that's all you can see. It's all you can focus on.

I'm a firm believer that everyone's pain is their own. If a broken nail completely ruined your day, who am I to tell you that that's a silly thing to be upset about? It's not my place. Everyone's pain is there own. But it's important to surround yourself with people who will help you no matter what your problem is at the moment. The kind of people who make you believe in yourself. Who help you to realize that you'er strong and sovereign and can do anything simply because you're you.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. One metaphor I keep thinking of lately comes to mind right now: You can light a candle in a room full of 'darkness' and all the darkness and negativity dissipates. But you can't take a well-lit room and add any amount of darkness to consume the room completely. The light will always shine through.

Just remember that: your light will always shine through.